A Brief Account of the Demise of Captain Fingerhook
by Steve Mitchell
Montgomery Muldoon strode into the conference hall, dashing and daring. It was his first day as a pirate. He stood before the registration table.
“Name?” asked the registrar.
“Yes,” Montgomery showed his finger hook. “I lost this finger fighting a devil ray with only my bare … fingers.”
“Is that so?”
“May God strike me where I stand if I’m lying.” God did not strike him down. God does not take orders from liars.
“Oy, I know you!” said the pirate in line behind Montgomery. “You’re that fella what works for the Barclay Trading Company. I heard you lost your finger in a spirited game of Poke the Donkey.”
“You are mistaken, I’m sure,” said Montgomery.
The registrar dipped his quill. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to call yourself Hookfinger?” he asked.
“Montgomery!” yelled the pirate behind him. “That’s your name. I met you at the Company. Remember? I’m One Ear Calhoun.”
“Hmm? No. I don’t believe so,” lied Montgomery. “And, in any case, you’ve two ears.”
One Ear Calhoun shrugged. “It’s an ironic nickname.”
“Fine. Good to meet you. I’m-”
“Oh, now you’ve done it,” whispered One Ear Calhoun.
“WATCH WHERE YOU STEP!” bellowed the pirate to Montgomery’s left. “I BELIEVE YOU MAY HAVE TREAD UPON MY BOOT!”
“I did no such thing,” lied Montgomery.
“I BELIEVE YOU DID!”
“There’s no need to yell. I’m Captain Fingerhook. Who might you be?”
“WHAT?” The pirate drew his pistol. “NO MAN TREADS ON THE BOOT OF CAPTAIN WILLY PEG-TOE AND LIVES TO TREAD ANOTHER DAY!”
“Willy Peg-Toe?” asked the registrar.
“AYE,” answered Captain Willy Peg-Toe. “YOUR FANCY HOOK FINGER CANT SAVE YOU. PREPARE TO DIE!”
Captain Fingerhook readied his hook and fumbled for his pistol.
Two Ear Calhoun put on his ear patch.
The registrar ducked under the table.
Captain Willy Peg-Toe took aim.
A tsunami swept them to sea.
© Steve Mitchell 2014